Hipsters are white. Hippies are white. Rich people are white.
If vegans are rich hipster hippies they must, therefore, be white by default. We have all seen them, sipping their overpriced kale smoothies and boast about how moral they are for only eating tofu and chugging soy milk. Holding their noses walking past McDonald’s on the way to their hot yoga lessons and practically living at the farmers’ market. Any mention of meat causes them lash out, they overturn tables and scream at ‘murder’ at all that oppose their ideology of animal supremacy. They refuse to leave a handsome tip to any waiting staff who allows customers to order anything other than salad and only wear clothes made from potato sacks. You can spot a vegan from a mile away, but a forbidden question looms in my mind. Can a black person be vegan too?
Here are a few obvious reasons as to why they obviously cannot:
Once you become vegan for the animals, you stop believing in civil rights. Animal rights and human rights can not coincide as multi-tasking is a skill only available to those who consume meat and dairy. Suddenly, you would no longer be allowed to believe that Black Lives Matter or that racism is still prevalent. Vegans believe that the only oppressed group on earth consists of farm animals. Any social justice movement that comes your way is immediately unimportant in comparison. This is doubly true if you are a black woman, women’s rights are only allowed to be raised when the topic turns to pregnant cows in the dairy industry. This may result in you losing friends, or family members refusing to speak to you, especially when you explain that the only black group on earth who are disadvantaged consist of cats/dogs, who are less likely to be adopted due to their colour. This is the only case of colourism you would be allowed to acknowledge as a vegan.
Next, your culture would have to be entirely erased. Do you like your grandmother’s jerk chicken, do you enjoy the occasional piece of lamb or simply adore rice and peas? Well okay, you would still be allowed to eat rice and peas, but the rest of the food you love that means so much to you and those that raised you? It would have to be sacrificed. You would have to look your poor mother in the eyes as you dash away her homecooked meal and explain to her that you simply are not allowed to partake in the consumption of animal products. Side effects of not consuming these cultural dishes in their intended form may be that you suddenly desire to only listen to country music and believe ketchup to be spicy, you identity would slowly disappear in front of your malnourished eyes. It is a well-known fact that no culture diet consists of any dishes free from animal products and all vegan alternatives to meat and dairy are so expensive that only elites consume them on a regular basis. White people avoid this issue by having no culture of their own.
Lastly, you would not be accepted into vegan groups. Say you were to attend an Animal Rights March, you would stick out like a sore thumb in a white sea. Vegans would whisper and point, deeply confused at your presence. Or you may be swarmed by vegans believing you to be the legendary ‘Oreo.’ You may have heard of vegans speaking of Oreos and believed them to be referring to the chocolate saucers but you would be greatly mistaken. Rather it is code for a person who is black on the outside but white and vegan on the inside, an ancient legend passed around organic smoothie bars. One vegan may even wish to bring you into their inner circle simply to boast about how they personally converted you to veganism and in turn saved you from a life of poverty and processed meat. All white vegans are given a large lump sum when joining the movement so they are able to afford groceries, we are yet to know if this extends to black applicants as there are no recorders of any black person applying.
Some vegans try to explain that veganism is not a movement based on race, rather a deep desire for a world where animal abuse and environmental issues are addressed and we no longer buy into an industry that not only kills for us but kills us through health complications. They say that veganism is fulled by the deep desire for humans and animals to live more fulfilling happier and compassionate lives.
To that I say, being a black vegan is an oxymoron, to be vegan is to be white and privileged. If a black person wishes to become vegan for the environmental benefits, the animals and their health they, in doing so, are rejecting their own race and culture. This is why no black vegans exist and as veganism grows, I am still yet to see a single black vegan. Compassion, it appears, will have to continue to remain a trait solely reserved for white people, as it has been throughout all of human history.
This piece is satirical and is not meant to be taken literally.
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